holaolah

Danger - Travel Advisory

I don't know if you're a comments reader of this blog but I found this one to be quite disturbing. If you're out on the local roads this weekend, take extra caution and keep your eyes peeled for this young man. Just kidding Pete, take it easy out there. You've made it this far so take it easy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.

Say Happy Birthday to Lisa!

while I've still got 20 minutes left in the day...

Today is my buddy Lisa's birthday. I won't tell you old she is because it's impolite to talk about the ages of ladies for fear of offending them and dangling their agedness before them. I hear that's not a cool thing to do. If you think of it, give her a shout and just say, "Ryan says you're cool, so you must be! Here's to you on your big day and an iTunes gift certificate to you! I know it might seem random, but if Ryan says we should, well than we really should."

If you're stumbling over that directive, here's some evidence on why Lisa is a cool cat... I've known Lisa and her main man Drew for about four years or so. Their kids eventually came along and they introduced me to them as well. For a young family, they really seem to know what it's all about. They have this way of parenting that makes it look pretty easy and that it's not that scary. They emphasize the important stuff and keep their cool and their faith through the tough times. Lisa is probably one of my biggest blog influences because she's been at it for "so long" and her posts have this way of making you smile at the silly stuff Abbey and Josh do or tear up when she talks about needing a vacation or sharing a spiritual insight. So, that's just the tip iceberg on why you should hurry up and wish Lisa a happy birthday and send her itunes or at least start reading her blog instead of mine because she's got a lot more heart and soul and cute kids saying funnier stuff than I do. 

Neil Wisdom

Here's a great little insight on how Muzzle Of Bees feels about the tunes of Neil Young...
There is something so special about Neil’s music that is really hard for me to describe. It makes me feel old. Every time I listen to his records I feel like I’m playing back a motion picture of my life inside my head.
Couldn't have said it any better myself.

I'll Only Turn 30 Once Pt. 8

He didn't let me pay on the count of me being born and all on this day. I wasn't up for arguing or wrestling or any of that. I know that my brother can easily best me when it comes to that kinda stuff. Growing up, we had one bathroom. Often when I'd have to go an use it, my brother would be in there, doing whatever it is that teenagers do in the bathrooom for extended periods of time. Combing his permed mullet, I think. I would bang on the door, hard, trying to get him to let me in because I had to go so bad and it was about to come out in my pants. He'd say something like, "Oh yeah, how bad do you have to go?" I'd tell him soooooo bad. He'd then open the door, sweep my legs out from under me so I was on my back and seeing stars from hitting my head on the floor and then he proceed to either step on my stomach or tickle me until he made the pee pee dribble out of me. If he could divine that I had to go number two he would grab my legs and kick me in the butt, thus giving me a reason to wait until later to use the facilities. All this to say, I thought it wise to allow him to pay for the meal.

I thanked him for the grub and gave him a hug. As I turned to get in my car he handed me an envelope with my name on it. He said it was my instructions for where I was going next and that I should call Janell when I get there.

I'll Only Turn 30 Once Pt. 6

"What are we doing here?" I asked.
"Eating dinner, just like I told you."
"Just us?"
"Yep, I'm taking you out to dinner."
"Wow, that's really cool."
And with that I shrugged off my paranoia and we entered Famous Dave's.
I'd end up keeping my confusion until about the middle of the next day.

I'll Only Turn 30 Once Pt. 5

I pulled into an empty parking spot at the gas station to wait while my brother's tank was being filled by the attendant. He took the opportunity to go inside and get more smokes.

I thought about going over and talking to him while he was waiting but irrational fears kept me in my car. The car trips of my day were so eventful that I barely had time to reflect on the whole "my life is half-over" headline. I don't know what I would have thought about that anyway if I had had the time. Probably something to the affect of, "Yep, I'm getting older alright." I didn't really feel up for an epiphany, but I had a lingering feeling that I might be short-changing myself for the lack of trying. My life has a handful of them and the truth is that you can't bring them on yourself or if you strain yourself, you're gonna hurt yourself. I took this classic advice that it was alright not to be at a bar alone raising a whiskey to my mortality.

Brent took off and I had to keep my foot down to keep up. The countryside we drove through didn't do anything to vaporize my irrational fear of being killed on my birthday. I started to keep track of the turns, thinking that he might be leading me on a wild goose chase and just trying to run my tank down until I ran out of gas. I don't know why he would have done something like this unless my suspicions were true. It seemed like we were going in a giant circle. I imagined that eventually we'd end up back at his house where Susan and Janell would have had enough time to set up and get the friends together to surprise the piss out of me. The thought of being surprised was too much to handle. I imagined myself surrounded by everyone I love and just breaking down with exhaustion, joy and stupidity. Joy because they were all there and willing to travel great distances by motor car just to celebrate my life. Stupidity because I almost had myself convinced that they were prepared to hang up their love for me and hang me. I felt like an ass for being so tardy and imagining that they could so easily dispatch me.

Brent sped up to pass a car and I had no choice but to follow. He really was in a hurry to get somewhere. Because I felt he was traveling in a circle I wondered if he was leading me to this little crab shack he introduced us to at the end of last summer. While we were there he mentioned how the owner, who he was sorta buddies with, would rent the place out for private parties and cook for everyone. It was an eclectic joint and I remember being impressed by the fact that U2's "Numb" was on the stereo along with Louis Armstrong, Bob Marley, and others. The place reminded me of "The Blue Danube," a clubhouse that some of my high-school buddies had set up in Evan Esh's barn. The place was great and it was the hot spot for all the teenaged bohemians. Janell and I had already begun talking about my hopes for my 30th back in the summer and I remember that we had had a conversation about renting out this place. I had convinced myself that this is where we were headed and that the barn was warmed with the chatter of my friends gathering around the speakers, listening to my favorite songs. 

I started seeing signs for the shore points and Atlantic City. This meant that the bohemian rhapsody crab shack barn party was off.  We were at a stop light and  I had just begun to mourn the loss of my imagined party. The light turned green and Brent pulled a u-turn drove back about a quarter mile and pulled into a shopping center parking lot. I followed him to a Famous Dave's where he stopped his truck.

I'll Only Turn 30 Once Pt. 4

The figure exhaled and spoke with my brother's voice, "You're an hour late, let's go."

I gave him a quick hug and greeting him as my brother and said, "Oh, OK. We're not staying here?"

"Nope, we're going to dinner" he said as he was walking toward his truck.

"Well what about Lauren and Susan, are they coming?" I asked, trying to figure out what was afoot.

"Dude," he said, "they're asleep in bed. It's late."

"Sorry" I said, feeling like I should be more aware of my family's sleep patterns. I then asked him if he'd like to ride along with me and he said that we just have to go and that it would be best to drive separately and that I should do my best to keep up.

We got into our vehicles and I allowed him to pull out of his driveway. He pulled up beside me and told me that we needed to make a stop so he could get some gas.

Brent tore off like we really had somewhere to be a long time ago. I got the feeling that we were well past late. I felt a deep regret when I imagined all of my fiends hanging out somewhere in NJ, on a weeknight, and the guest of honor was nowhere in sight.

I'll Only Turn 30 Once Pt. 3

Madness On the Road In Jersey...
I was over the Delaware Memorial Bridge and 15 minutes into Jersey on Rt. 40 when I got a call from Owen Wilson. He and his mother sang happy birthday to me. I thought it was amazing that he was so verbal on demand at less than one year old. It was later in the conversation with his father that it was revealed that his wailed song was prerecorded. This would actually be my second prerecorded birthday greeting of the day. Sponge Bob called me at the beginning of the day and wished me a very special celebration. A little deduction lead me to understand that Donovan was the culprit on that one. Owen and his parents wished me well and shared their love. They've been with me for half my life and and I felt empowered by their blessing.

It was after a few minutes of driving in silence following flipping my phone shut that I began to suspect my friends were double agents. Could their well wishes have been a set up, a ruse, to find out my progress on the road? Was a pre-recorded greeting from Owen Wilson some kinda clue? The conspiracy stuck with me for many miles across the gardens of my home-state. These people were seriously planning something on a sinister level if they'd utilize a prerecorded message from a cute little baby to remind me that I am now old. I fast forwarded to another baby I might soon be encountering -- Little Lauren who I was speeding my way towards. Was my final destination at her house to receive some cryptic clue from her little hand?

I started to cry a little at the idea of getting a set of traveling papers from one of the cutest girls in the world. Circle of life type stuff -- the newest name in the family line pays homage to the one celebrating their oldening. It could be profound if I dwelled on it long enough. I marveled at Janell's thoughtfulness and attention to the symbolism of it all. I popped out of that daydream in time to catch the exit to take to my bro's hometown. The directions were spotty and so I followed my instincts, which turned out to be crummy. I went the opposite way on the road for about 15 minutes before I wised up. I was already behind, and this just pushed everything back. I doubled back over the giant strip mall that is Delsea Drive in Vineland, NJ and kept going.

I was beginning to panic. I looked down at my phone to possibly call my brother and I noticed that I missed a call from my mom. She left the kind of message that moms leave for sons on such a day -- "hey, you were a joy, I'd have you all over again, no regrets" that sorta thing. I didn't return her call, out of paranoia. I couldn't be tying up the line in case some other kid with a famous name decided to call. I was growing more weary and panicked as I continued to drive into the void, believing that I'd somehow missed a turn on a numbered road that was recently renumbered. I'd been driving since 5:15 with just a little break. It was almost 8 and I was tired and nervous and contemplating my mortality on the road slightly exceeding the speed limit in the NJ night. I realized why I had moved away so many years ago. This is what happens here, this what they call entertainment. Eventually you just say "eff it, I'm staying" and that's that.

I pulled over and into the parking lot of one of the many tire/auto shops that line this stretch of road. I gave my brother a call and attempted to give him a description of my surroundings. I was ready to be there, wherever there was.  He affirmed that I was on their right track and told me that I was 10 minutes out.

While I was on the phone with Brent my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. He said that it was no bother because I was probably out partying and that we could catch up when we'd catch up. I took that to mean when I would call him the next day and wish him a happy birthday. Brent's estimate of 10 minutes was based on his avg. driving speed. I was always the more cautious one so I got there 20 minutes later, that includes a wrong turn.

By this time my mind had started spinning a little conspiracy theory that Janell had convinced all of my friends and family that I needed to die and that they should gather in the Jersey Pine Barrens and have a wake for me before the killing was to be done. I marveled at her rhetorical witchcraft. She was some kind of dark force to cook up a twisted plot like that. What was I doing, I thought, I'm on my way to my brother's house so I can visit his family and then be off to my death? And Andrew, how could she have conned him into this whole plot?

The road madness had just reached a fever pitch when I pulled into his driveway. His house was dark and I hesitated, thinking that maybe I had the wrong victorian in his little village of victorians. The fluorescent overhead kitchen light lit up the place and it was just as soon cut off. I took that to mean that I was at the right place. My Element's interior lights took over my field of view once I opened my door and cut off with the slamming of the door. It was like we were playing a dueling banjos game with light switches. My eyes were adjusting as I found his path and made my way to his back door where the kitchen light had just gone off. I was halfway to the door when the face of a lone figure standing on Brent's backporch was illuminated as they lit their cigarette and started walking toward me.

Happy Birthday!

I almost forgot to wish Brother Petros a very special feliz cumpleanos greetings on this day! You know him, he's the Chuck Norris fan and gold circle member level reader. Rumor has it that he celebrated it with coffee and a little donut emblazoned with his logo served to him bright and early this AM by his birthing units. This all gets him one step closer to adulthood and two steps closer to enlisting in the Police Academy. Hopefully while he's there he can learn how to make all those cool mouth noises and kung-fu moves. Enjoy your day man!

No Pat, NOOOOO!

If God is the kind of God that Pat says he is, then every time Pat says something like THIS it only makes his inevitable death that much more of a sensational headline grabbing event. It's past my rant hour. You should have been here at dinner when I told Janell about Pat's latest crime against God. I love her when she's angry.